The title says it all. I am a hopeless case at meditation. I have tried it numerous times without success, and I will probably keep trying it. It amuses me sometimes to see the stereotype of so called artistic persons who are very meditative persons knowing full well that I am at complete odds wth this view. I even know fellow followers of Apollon who follow Buddhist discipline as part of their spiritual practice. And as it is supposed to be a path to enlightenment by the whole removing of the self through the silence of the mind in order to experience oneself as part of all nature and the divine…well it sounds nice, but it just doesn’t work for me. I don’t achieve that state by sitting crossed legged on the floor. In fact sitting just invites me to be fidgety. The only exception is if I wear myself out physically before attempting to sit still for prolonged periods.
This isn’t just about being fidgety in trying to get into meditation, I just really am horrible at sitting still. I am the lunatic you will see bouncing their leg while sitting on a chair, or twisting to the right and left if in a swivel chair. I have had a job before at a call center which featured me doing alot of the latter. It is also what probably drives me to twisting locks of hair around my finger, for which I am often teased. My mother just calls it too much nervous energy. But I am not very athletic, in fact I have often been a failure at many athletic things. I am not in shape enough to run long distances, and really my figure in general, even when I was capable for it, often made it more cumbersome. I get bored quickly with aerobics and weight training (been there, done that). About the only thing that really holds my attention and interest is dancing, which is something I would like more training in.
Strangely it is when my body is engaged in physical activity that I am able to let my mind loose. If a person sees me sitting, twirling a lock of hair around my finger while I am staring into space…there ya go. If you see me walking at a rapid clip down the road staring off into space….there it is again. And if you see me dancing with a somewhat blank expression chances are that it is showing up once again. These are moments when I can let go of my perception of self and can quiet the mind, likely because the body is not raging about how absolutely bored it is. It has even happened while cleaning…and my most quirky activity..pacing.
We often laugh at the stereotype of the person who needs to pace in order to do their best thinking. I pace alot, not necessarily because I need to think about something…though I do it more when I am thinking…but just to release energy. I have probably worn tread marks into the carpets of every home I have lived in lol. But when I do, especially if I feel a push of inspiration at the back of my mind, I am able to quiet my mind and the inspiration comes flowing in…whether it be images of something I *must* paint or lines of poetry that just *need* to write down. Of course the same effect often comes when I am drifting off to sleep and my sleepy brain is interrupted with images and poetic lines that won’t let me sleep until I write them down.
I tend to view this as chaotic meditation. It is not meditiation through peace and serenity…the closest I get to peace and serenity is when my body is so tired that it appreciates resting. Otherwise it merely an awareness achieved through a mental silence as the muscles of the body are engaged in which I am aware of first my environment, of the earth beneath my feet, of the air and the smells it carries…I am a part of this briefly before it is a mental white out and inspiration comes flooding in. Alot of my writing of essays, some blog posts, and even significant parts of my book in addition to many poems, were composed as after-effects of such experiences.
That said, I can admire those who find a state in peace and serenity of the mind and body. I may massively fail at it, but I do admire it.